apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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