I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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