Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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