my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
