Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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