Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
