this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
