Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
