So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize