Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i now understand why vodka
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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