dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
