I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
