I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
