k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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