btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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