when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
