Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
