Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
