The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
