We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
