Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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