I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
