I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
