How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize