You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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