I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
high people should be assigned attendants
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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