I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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