i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
