I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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