I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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