Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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