mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
