I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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