im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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