im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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