so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
