dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
