The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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