Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Randomize
