you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can't talk, ducks in the car
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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