Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
