Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
