im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
