I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
