You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
