I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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