Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
