btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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