you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
