I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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