this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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