did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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