My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize