I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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