Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
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